Why I hate Christmas. (Humbug Edition).
- I know it’s nice and all but lying to kids about Santa makes me really uncomfortable. I know you’ll say “just suck it up” but I am an honest person, to the point that it actually becomes a disadvantage in society. Stop the mass delusion!
- Consumerism- I could write a book about this but it basically boils down to…STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE PEOPLE YOU LOVE THEM BY BUYING THEM EXPENSIVE CRAP THEY DON’T NEED!! The whole thing is like an extended Valentine’s Day, an orgy of panicked materialism replacing genuine affection.
- Christmas music- What special brand of HELL is this?
- Christmas dinner pressure- Why stress yourself out so much to make something you don’t normally eat? Do yourself a favour and get some nice wine in, make a bit of tagliatelle or something and grab a few extra hours in bed. You won’t have to give any turkeys pelvic exams. Win.
- End of Days panic- The shops close for, what, 2 days max? Most only on Christmas Day itself. Why in the name of Jared Leto are people stockpiling bread and milk like they have a couple of nuclear bunkers to fill? What is wrong with you people?!
- Last-minute shoppers- I understand people getting paid late and everything but I do NOT understand the people who wait until Christmas Eve to start their shopping. The streets at this time resemble a scene from Dawn of the Dead, but yet you go anyway. You are a masochist. And lady, if you use your eco-friendly 3-wheeled buggy as a battering ram again I will own you.
- Faux-religionists- Lapsed or non-believers who suddenly pack the pews in their local churches because it’s the done thing and they want to avoid conflict with their families. I get your motives for doing this. Really. But if your family actually cared about you they wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable to please themselves.
- Persecution of those who dare to be different- Those who go on a foreign holiday or deign to stay at home rather than trekking cross-country to visit family. Those who cook something other than Turkey and Ham. You have my sympathy.
- Bird in a bird in a bird. The Turducken. A sure sign that humanity is on the decline. Don’t be worried about the Mayans and 2012. Worry about this.It’s messed up. I hate to go all “think of the starving children in Africa” on you. But, well…
So please, have a safe and happy festive period. Don’t put lit candles on your tree. And stop stuffing bird carcasses inside of other bird carcasses. It’s disgusting enough as it is. Take Christmas for what it is, a day off to spend how you wish. Spare a thought for those working on Christmas Day, like firefighters. Their calls skyrocket this time of year, due to people doing dumb crap they don’t usually do. Like lining their Christmas trees with fire. Or burning their Turducken.