Category Archives: HUMOUR
Sometimes the internet really comes through and shows you something life-changing. Smittens is/are such a thing. No longer do you and your significant other have to put up with separation anxiety while out for romantic walks, that barrier presented by your woolly gloves is no more. One relationship, one glove.
These are truly hilarious but I can see some people being seriously interested in buying them. I like to occupy my time imagining various scenarios where being attached to another person is not ideal and so far have come up with: runaway dog on a leash who will take both of you with him, unexpected pole, inhibited frolicking and zombie attack. Also, where will it end? What if you have a few kids you want to daisy-chain on to the love-train?
This next one is a potential money-earner. How many times have people been on the news or sold their stories after finding an image of jesus in a tree bark, soup or their cobwebs? What if you could guarantee a good Jesus image whenever you wanted? Well, you can thank me because I am presenting you with…Jesus toast.
You are welcome. If Jesus isn’t your schtick, they also have hash leaves, dog paws and Chaka Khan. (One of these may be a lie).
Go forth and buy!
- I know it’s nice and all but lying to kids about Santa makes me really uncomfortable. I know you’ll say “just suck it up” but I am an honest person, to the point that it actually becomes a disadvantage in society. Stop the mass delusion!
- Consumerism- I could write a book about this but it basically boils down to…STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE PEOPLE YOU LOVE THEM BY BUYING THEM EXPENSIVE CRAP THEY DON’T NEED!! The whole thing is like an extended Valentine’s Day, an orgy of panicked materialism replacing genuine affection.
- Christmas music- What special brand of HELL is this?
- Christmas dinner pressure- Why stress yourself out so much to make something you don’t normally eat? Do yourself a favour and get some nice wine in, make a bit of tagliatelle or something and grab a few extra hours in bed. You won’t have to give any turkeys pelvic exams. Win.
- End of Days panic- The shops close for, what, 2 days max? Most only on Christmas Day itself. Why in the name of Jared Leto are people stockpiling bread and milk like they have a couple of nuclear bunkers to fill? What is wrong with you people?!
- Last-minute shoppers- I understand people getting paid late and everything but I do NOT understand the people who wait until Christmas Eve to start their shopping. The streets at this time resemble a scene from Dawn of the Dead, but yet you go anyway. You are a masochist. And lady, if you use your eco-friendly 3-wheeled buggy as a battering ram again I will own you.
- Faux-religionists- Lapsed or non-believers who suddenly pack the pews in their local churches because it’s the done thing and they want to avoid conflict with their families. I get your motives for doing this. Really. But if your family actually cared about you they wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable to please themselves.
- Persecution of those who dare to be different- Those who go on a foreign holiday or deign to stay at home rather than trekking cross-country to visit family. Those who cook something other than Turkey and Ham. You have my sympathy.
- Bird in a bird in a bird. The Turducken. A sure sign that humanity is on the decline. Don’t be worried about the Mayans and 2012. Worry about this.It’s messed up. I hate to go all “think of the starving children in Africa” on you. But, well…
So please, have a safe and happy festive period. Don’t put lit candles on your tree. And stop stuffing bird carcasses inside of other bird carcasses. It’s disgusting enough as it is. Take Christmas for what it is, a day off to spend how you wish. Spare a thought for those working on Christmas Day, like firefighters. Their calls skyrocket this time of year, due to people doing dumb crap they don’t usually do. Like lining their Christmas trees with fire. Or burning their Turducken.
I was on the grocery run in my local town while living in Edinburgh when I came across this missing cat poster.
Text reads: “Our hairless cat “Flesh” ran outside in the middle of the night on July 24th (Sunday). He is a Sphnyx cat, meaning he has no hair and needs protection from the sun and cold! He is very unique looking, much like Yoda. Please call _____ if you see him. He may be hiding in a garden shed. We are located at _____. Thank you!”
I must admit, the “much like Yoda” bit cracked me up but one things for sure, I remembered that cat! I thought it was a great example of using humour to grab attention for a a good cause.